Aṇguttara Nikāya
VIII. Navaka Nipāta
IV. Mahā Vagga
The Book of Nines
Sutta 41
Tapussa-Gahapati Suttaṃ
Tapussa the Householder
Translated from the Pāḷi
by
Michael M. Olds
Translator's Introduction
Note the line "Stay right here, Ānanda, while I abide plunging into Great Woods for the afternoon sitting." What do you see?
Once upon a time The Lucky Man,
revisiting Malla-land,
the market-town named Sandy-bank-propper.
There then The Lucky Man, having arisen previously,
taking bowl and robes,
entered Uruvelakappa on his begging round.
Having gone his rounds in Sandy-bank-propper,
having eaten and returned,
he addressed elder Ānanda saying:
"Stay right here, Ānanda,
while I abide plunging into Great Woods
for the afternoon sitting."
"Even so, Bhante," responded Ānanda to the Lucky Man.
There then The Lucky man plunged into Great Woods,
to abide the day sitting at the root of a certain tree.
There then Tapusso the housefather approached elder Ānanda and drew near.
Having drawn near elder Ānanda and exchanged greetings,
he took a seat to one side.
Seated to one side then,
Tapusso the householder addressed elder Ānanda
saying this to him:
"We householders, venerable Ānanda,
amass sensual pleasures,
find joy in sensual pleasures,
are intent on sensual pleasures,
delight in sensual pleasures.
To us householders, venerable,
amassing sensual pleasures,
finding joy in sensual pleasures,
intent on sensual pleasures,
delighting in sensual pleasures,
this appears like a cliff,
that is to say: abandoning.
I have heard this, Bhante:
'In this Dhamma-Vinaya, young,
very young bhikkhus hearts leap up,
brighten up,
stand independent,
freed,
seeing:
"This is tranquility"'.
Surely here, Bhante, with this Dhamma-Vinaya,
bhikkhus are differentiated
from the great mass of people
that is to say in the matter of abandoning."
[439] "Now this, householder, is a talk
we should see the Lucky Man about.
Let us draw near
and approaching The Lucky Man
relate this matter to him.
However the Lucky Man explains it,
that is how we should bear it in mind."
"Even so Bhante!" said Tapusso the householder to Ananda in response.
There then the elder Ānanda
together with Tapussa the householder
drew near The Lucky Man.
Drawing near and giving salutation,
they took seats to one side.
Seated to one side then,
Ānanda said this to The Lucky Man:
"Just now, Bhante, Tapusso the Householder said this to me:
'We householders, venerable Ānanda,
amass sensual pleasures,
find joy in sensual pleasures,
are intent on sensual pleasures,
delight in sensual pleasures.
To us householders, venerable,
amassing sensual pleasures,
finding joy in sensual pleasures,
intent on sensual pleasures,
delighting in sensual pleasures,
this appears like a cliff,
that is to say: abandoning.
I have heard this, Bhante:
"In this Dhamma-Vinaya, young,
very young bhikkhus hearts leap up,
brighten up,
stand independent,
freed,
seeing:
'This is tranquility'".
Surely here, Bhante, with this Dhamma-Vinaya,
bhikkhus are differentiated
from the great mass of people
that is to say in the matter of abandoning.'"
"So it is, Ānanda!
So it is!
Even I, Ānanda,
before my self-awakening,
self-awakening not yet acchieved,
still just an awakening being,
thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this abandoning.'
Yet my heart, Ānanda, at this abandoning,
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of sensuality,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of abandoning has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of sensuality
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of abandoning,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
isolating myself from sense pleasures,
isolating myself from unskillful things,
with thinking,
with pondering isolation-born pleasureable-enthusiasm
I entered into
and abode in
the first burning knowledge.
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of sensuality,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of abandoning,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
isolated from sensuality,
isolating myself from unskillful things,
with re-thinking,
with re-examination,
appreciation of the peace born of solitude,
gave rise to inhabiting the first gnosis.
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying sensuality arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying sensuality arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being distant from sensuality,
being distant from unskillful things,
yet my heart, at this being distant from sensuality,
this being distant from unskillful things,
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of sensuality,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of abandoning has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of sensuality
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of abandoning,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of sensuality,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of abandoning,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
resolving re-thinking and re-examination
internally self-possessed
whole-heartedly single-minded
without re-thinking
without re-examination
appreciation of the peace born of serenity
gave rise to inhabiting the second gnosis.
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying re-thinking arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying re-thinking arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this resolving of re-thinking,
yet my heart, at this resolving of re-thinking
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of re-thinking,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of resolving re-thinking
has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of re-thinking
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of resolving re-thinking,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this resolving of re-thinking,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of re-thinking,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of resolving re-thinking,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this abandoning,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
without desire for ease,
living detached,
recollected and self-possessed,
experiencing for myself that bodily pleasure
of which the Aristocrats say:
"Recollected, detached - that's a sweet life!"
rise up into and inhabit the third gnosis?'
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying desire for ease arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying desire for ease arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without desire for ease,
yet my heart, at this being without desire for ease
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of the pleasures of detachment,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of being without desire for ease has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without desire for ease,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of pleasures of detachment
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without desire for ease,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without desire for ease,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of pleasures of detachment,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without desire for ease,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this being without desire for ease,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
letting go of pleasures,
letting go of pains,
settling down the preceding mental ease and mental pain,
being without pain and pleasure,
detached, recollected, surpassingly pure
rise up into and inhabit the the fourth gnosis?'
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying detachment arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying detachment arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without pain and pleasure,
yet my heart, at this being without pain and pleasure
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantages of the pleasures of detachment,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantages of being without pain and pleasure has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without pain and pleasure,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages accompanying detachment
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantages of being without pain and pleasure,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without pain and pleasure,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of the pleasures of detachment,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without pain and pleasure,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this being without pain and pleasure,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
passing beyond all perception of shape
settling down perception of difference,
thinking:
"Endless Space!"
rise up into and inhabit The Sphere of Endless Space?
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of shapes arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of shapes arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without perception of shapes,
yet my heart, at this being without perception of shapes
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of the perception of shapes,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of being without perception of shapes has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without perception of shapes,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of perception of shapes
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of shapes,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without perception of shapes,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of perception of shapes,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of shapes,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this being without perception of shapes,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
settling down the whole of the Realm of Space,
thinking:
"Endless Consciousness!"
rise up into and inhabit The Sphere of Endless Consciousness?
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of the Realm of Space arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of the Realm of Space arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without perception of the Realm of Space,
yet my heart, at this being without perception of the Realm of Space
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of the perception of the Realm of Space,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of being without perception of the Realm of Space has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without perception of the Realm of Space,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of perception of the Realm of Space
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of the Realm of Space,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without perception of the Realm of Space,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of perception of the Realm of Space,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of the Realm of Space,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this being without perception of the Realm of Space,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
settling down the whole of the Realm of Consciousness,
thinking:
"There is Nothing"
rise up into and inhabit The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had?
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of the Realm of Consciousness arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of the Realm of Consciousness arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
yet my heart, at this being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of the perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of perception of the Realm of Consciousness
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this being without perception of the Realm of Consciousness,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
settling down the whole of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
rise up into and inhabit the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception?
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
yet my heart, at this being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of the perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
examining the disadvantages of perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
making a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
appreciating that,
my heart leaped up,
became clear,
found self-assurance,
found freedom,
in this being without perception of The Sphere Where Nothing Is to be Had,
seeing 'This is tranquillity.'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'How about if I,
settling down the whole of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
rise up into and inhabit the Ending of Perception and Sense-experience?
And, Ānanda, as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
In the same way, Ānanda, as for some happy person
should some pain arise
it would be an affliction,
even so, for me as I inhabited this habitat,
perceptions and mental studies
accompanying perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception arose in me,
and this was for me, affliction.
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'It is a good thing, this being without perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
yet my heart, at this being without perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception
did not leap up,
did not become clear,
did not find self-assurance,
did not find freedom,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'What is the driving force,
what is it that results in my heart
not leaping up,
not becoming clear,
not finding self-assurance,
not finding freedom
seeing "This is tranquillity"?'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'I have not seen the disadvantage of the perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
and thus have not made a big thing of that,
the advantage of being without perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception has not been achieved
and thus has not been appreciated.
That is why my heart,
does not leap up,
does not become clear,
does not find self-assurance,
does not find freedom,
in this being without perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, I thought to myself:
'Suppose then I examine the disadvantages of perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception
make a big thing of that,
achieving the advantage of being without perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
I would to appreciate it.
In that way my heart,
should leap up,
should become clear,
should find self-assurance,
should find freedom,
in this being without perception of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
seeing "This is tranquillity."'
Then, Ānanda, after a time,
settling down the whole of the Sphere Where There Is Neither-perception-nor-non-perception,
rose up into and inhabited the Ending of Perception and Sense-experience
and with wisdom saw:
the corrupting influences are thoroughly eradicated in me.
And as long, Ānanda, as I had not
entered into and emerged from
these nine 'following-upon-each-precurser'-state-attainments,
in both forward and reverse order,
neither did I profess in the world
with its gods,
with its Māras,
with its Brahmās
with its Shamen and Brahmins
with its devas and humans
profess an unsurpasable highest self-awakening,
consummate self-awakening.
But, Ānanda, when I had
entered into and emerged from
these nine 'following-upon-each-precurser'-state-attainments,
in both forward and reverse order,
I did profess in the world
with its gods,
with its Māras,
with its Brahmās
with its Shamen and Brahmins
with its devas and humans
profess an unsurpasable highest self-awakening,
consummate self-awakening.
And then, deeper than that,
knowledge and vision arose,
and I knew:
'Unshakable is my heart's release!
this is my final life
there is now no further existence.'"
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